I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
