i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
