I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
