Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
