You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
