I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
