I looked at my own cervix.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
