I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
