When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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