I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
