dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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