I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
