why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
