Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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