Swine flu. Run for my life!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
