do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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