She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
