I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
