It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
