Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
