I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
