i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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