we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
