you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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