Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
