Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
