Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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