I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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