I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize