hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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