Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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