when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
