I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
