you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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