I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just forgot I was standing up.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
