I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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