Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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