Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
