I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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