Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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