Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
