he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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