found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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