I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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