i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
