the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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