somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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