I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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