He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize