I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize