can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
