Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
