look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
