we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
