I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Damn victory sex feels great
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
