For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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