dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
