Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize
